Nani

So my Nani (granny in HINDI) passed away about a month ago. I've never been to a funeral before so it was shocking and incredibly incredibly sad. Everyone hasn't really got over it as it was so unexpected. Anyway , what I just wanted to get off my chest is that I feel quite guilty that I didn't take all of the opportunities that I had to see Nani. I went to netball trips and stuff. I just didn't expect her to pass so soon. Anyway thats it.

Dolphinlover

Sisterly love, hate, relationship

So my sister and I haven't really been able to see eye to eye recently. I guess we are both just at those ages that just clash. I just find her so selfish and annoying but I also am really touchy at the moment which I guess is just down to hormones. I know we're sisters and deep deep down we will always love each other no matter what.. even if we are so so so angry with each other. I also feel like I can't really talk to anyone about how I'm properly feeling. I know my parents would willingly talk to me about it but I feel a bit bad handing all of my bad feelings and sadness onto them. And it must not be very nice to see your children fight. I mean, I just think that they have enough on their plates to contend with at the moment.

Tomorrow we are going up to Scotland. We have a little chalet thing right by the sea on the south-west. My younger cousins are up there now with my grandparents which is nice and I can't wait to spend loads of time with them. But usually at night Jaz and I and some of our other friends would go and meet people in the small playground and just sit round and chat or maybe play football which is fun, however, Jaz and I don't really share friends well as I find her quite dominating and condescending when we're around other people. With my friends I'm always the one that is loud and joking around with my friends but Jaz is also like that so we clash a bit. I just find that she dominates the convo and so people think I'm shy and quiet which makes me angry but I just don't feel like I have the space to say anything. Like, she is the one that asks the questions and stuff like that. Maybe I'm a bit drowned out when I'm around her... yeah... I feel drowned out when i'm around her and other people like our friends... not best friends but just casual friends that we don't see that much. I'm a bit more socially awkward around people that I don't know up there whereas down here I'm fine and am happy to meet friends of friends and stuff.

I see myself more as a stay at home family girl whereas Jaz prefers to go out and socialise with her friends and stuff. Like, I'll go to parties and stuff and go to costa with my friends and go out with them to places for lunch and shopping but I feel as if Jaz takes it to a whole new level. It may be the age gap, but I look at my friends sisters and they are all really close to my friends and that just makes me feel a bit sad because at the moment I don't feel that close with Jaz, but I want to be. We used to be really close but then our personalities just started clashing and I felt like she was being disrespectful to Mum and Dad which aggravated me and now I've just exploded and had enough. But for Mum and Dad's sake I need to stop my occasional snide comments to Jaz and just ignore her, no matter how much she is annoying me. So this is where I'm going to vent.

So get ready because there are going to be many more posts updating you on the way!...

dolphinlover xx

Good-bye...For a week

So tomorrow my mum is going in for an operation. She should be in hospital for about a week recovering. She has had to tell the school but only a few teachers have spoken about it to me. I have only told one or two of my closest friends and then my mum also told one of her close friends who told her daughter (one of my close friends) so now she knows to, but I don't mind.

I have not really thought about it that much and have tried pushing it to the back of my mind but the truth is, I'm nervous. Nervous of what is happening in that operation room, nervous about mum's recovery and nervous about not be able to see my mum for a week.

I'm not one of those girls who can't be separated from their mum and who gets home sick when they are over at their friends house, I have been on week long school trips and had an amazing time, it's just that this time, mum is going in for an operation. And not just a small one, a big one. I know she is going to be okay because she has got an amazing team of doctors and staff behind her but I can't help being a little nervous. She is holding everything together but I'm sure that inside she is nervous.

I'm staying with Dad and Jaz and I just hope that they don't get into any fights and that Jaz doesn't give Dad any attitude. She is wearing him down and it's not helping his health. Sometimes he gets really angry because she said something really bad or selfish. I'm sure everything will go fine but I just needed to get my thoughts out.

I can't get to sleep because I'm nervous for tomorrow. I wonder if anyone at school will remember.

I'll tell you how it goes...

Love dolphinlover xx

Spanish...

So our Spanish teacher who finds it quite hard to control our class sometimes, has been doing mocks, so we've been having substitute teachers. I've learnt so much by teaching myself in the last few lessons!! It's so weird. But today, we got a list of 35 oral questions that we had to write answers to and we didn't have a teacher there who spoke any Spanish! So it was quite hard but we managed to do some! I still have so much to do for homework though so that she can check it on Friday.

Just a question that has been going through my head... In Germany is this translated into German or are you just incredibly magically amazing at English?? Please comment and tell me!

Thanks!!!

dolphinlover xx

14!

So I'm 14 now but I don't really feel any different. My summer exams are coming up and I'm feeling a little stressed but I think that over the years I've leant to cope with exam stress more! I haven't written in ages but today I feel like I've overcome a milestone of my first teenage year. When at school I am always thinking how amazing it is because Year 9 is basically the last year that you properly have a social life. It's so sad to think about...

My goals for the end of this year are to get a conabor badge and to get full sports colours. A conabor badge is a badge that the school only give to a few people in each year every year and it just shows that you have contributed to our school a lot and are a generally good school girl... I havent got one yet, but neither have most of my year!!! I have half netball colours so my goal this year is to get a full one (partly because I lost my other badge). That would be an amazing honour and it would be so cool! It basically makes you stand out in your school for being a great sports woman!

I sometimes get really nervous thinking about my GCSE's but I think that having an older sister who is going through it now, it has showed me that I have to really start focusing now mainly in sciences because we have started our GCSE courses so the things that I am learning now may come up in my GCSE's. It is really weird to think that in 2 short years I will be taking my GCSE's soon...

I still get a little stressed when it gets closer to the exams but on some of the previous exams I have enjoyed them because I know all of the things that we have learnt but on others I just go blank. I'm sure you've had that feeling before. And the bitter disappointment when you get that test back and suddenly all that you learnt comes flooding back to you... yep, I can relate!

When I'm older I want to be an engineer but I might take a gap year or on the side of the engineering do event planning or charity work as I love doing that too!

I'm not going to lie to you, I have been getting much more hormonal this past year and mainly in class, when I'm a bit slower at doing things and other people are like, 'I've finished! Oh what did you get of this question...' Just little things like that make me upset. I'm making myself sound like such a cry baby, which I'm not, its just on somedays, you know, when you're just not feeling up to doing something, and the last thing you need is some hard work that show offs find really easy. It makes me feel so dumb.

Everyone is always saying, Aww you shouldn't feel dumb! You go to an amazing school! You are so clever! But in some subjects (like chemistry) it does not make me feel clever. I have found formulae quite hard and others have obviously found it incredibly easy so that has knocked my confidence a lot!

I guess I am quite insecure but I try and hide it by being loud and telling jokes and always smiling... and trust me... the spots aren't helping!!!

Love dolphinlover xx