Had a hard short talk with Mum today about Dad. She was explaining about how he is really really sick. I don't think I've ever thought about it so hard, how he may not have another birthday or Christmas. That's really pessimistic but sometimes it's hard to get those thoughts out of my head. I always watch these bride shows and see the gorgeous brides walking down the aisle with their Dad linking them and wish and pray that one day Dad and I will be doing that same thing.
Dad's really not well at the moment and I really want someone to cry to but I'm my own worst enemy and don't want to dampen people with my own problems. I don't want to seem selfish in that sense and make their days worse just because I can't handle my own problems.
I guess I never thought Dad would ever leave because he's always so strong around me and even though I've seen him sick and weak, he always tries to put on a brave face and hide the pain he is going through.
I can't imagine what he is going through and so I feel selfish thinking about losing him and stuff.
Just thinking that one day he may be gone makes me so depressed and I just can't imagine what I'd do.
I know that no tears can make all of the tumours disappear but I pray that our happiness makes him better. No tears will change anything. They're pointless, but sometimes it just feels good to cry.
Monday, 13 July 2015
Wednesday, 13 May 2015
The C word
So if you didn't know my Dad has cancer. Yes that scary word that everyone associates with death. Yes that word that is associated with the end of your free days. Yes that word that is rarely said and sends shivers down many people's spines. I am one of those people. But now I do not associate cancer with death. But now I don't think of it as the end of your free days. But it does still send shivers down my spine.
DAD'S STORY: Dad was diagnosed in 2003 with a tumour in his abdomen. That was removed and then in 2007 it returned again but this time in his lungs. Over the next few years he underwent 7 major operations. And he carried on fighting... Then devastation hit our family in 2012 when we were told the tumours had returned, but this time in his bones and three tennis ball sized tumours in his abdomen. This means the ones in his bones could not be removed. however, through Dad's persistence he managed to get the surgeon who originally took out the tumours in his abdomen to do it again. There was little that the hospital could do. He started chemotherapy but after 3 months we found out it wasn't working. It also made Dad really really tired and his hair all fell out. He had radiotherapy and it worked for a bit and then stopped. He was put on a new drug called Votrient which was new to the market and made his hair grow back white... We found out that this drug wasn't working with Dad's sarcomas and so now they are trying a new chemo on him and it is starting tomorrow. None of this would've been possible without the intensive research carried out by Sarcoma.uk with your donations. My Dad is still here today because he has kept fighting and donations to Sarcoma.uk have helped come up with many chances to try and help him stay alive for even longer.
Please please please donate if you can; it would be really really appreciated.
http://sarcoma.org.uk/ways-to-donate
Above is the link to the Sarcoma.uk website if you would like to donate! It would be much appreciated!!!!
Sarcomas are rare cancers that develop in the muscle, bone, nerves, cartilage, tendons, blood vessels and the fatty and fibrous tissues.
There are about 100 different types of sarcoma that fall into three main types:
They can affect almost any part of the body, on the inside or the outside. Sarcomas commonly affect the arms, legs and trunk.
They also appear in the stomach and intestines as well as behind the abdomen and in the female reproductive system.
Sarcoma.uk is the only cancer charity in the UK focusing on all types of sarcoma.
3800 new cases of sarcoma are diagnosed every year in the UK.
10 people are diagnosed everyday with a sarcoma.
There is a 55% chance a patient with a sarcoma will live for 5 years.
As you can see it is really hard-hitting but what I want you to know is Dad is staying positive and we are so so so close and since he has had to leave work because of the cancer, I get to spend much more time with him which is great. So there are pros and cons to all situations and you have to try and look at the pros a little bit more then the cons. Dad is still fighting :) :)
dolphinlover xx
DAD'S STORY: Dad was diagnosed in 2003 with a tumour in his abdomen. That was removed and then in 2007 it returned again but this time in his lungs. Over the next few years he underwent 7 major operations. And he carried on fighting... Then devastation hit our family in 2012 when we were told the tumours had returned, but this time in his bones and three tennis ball sized tumours in his abdomen. This means the ones in his bones could not be removed. however, through Dad's persistence he managed to get the surgeon who originally took out the tumours in his abdomen to do it again. There was little that the hospital could do. He started chemotherapy but after 3 months we found out it wasn't working. It also made Dad really really tired and his hair all fell out. He had radiotherapy and it worked for a bit and then stopped. He was put on a new drug called Votrient which was new to the market and made his hair grow back white... We found out that this drug wasn't working with Dad's sarcomas and so now they are trying a new chemo on him and it is starting tomorrow. None of this would've been possible without the intensive research carried out by Sarcoma.uk with your donations. My Dad is still here today because he has kept fighting and donations to Sarcoma.uk have helped come up with many chances to try and help him stay alive for even longer.
Please please please donate if you can; it would be really really appreciated.
http://sarcoma.org.uk/ways-to-donate
Above is the link to the Sarcoma.uk website if you would like to donate! It would be much appreciated!!!!
Sarcomas are rare cancers that develop in the muscle, bone, nerves, cartilage, tendons, blood vessels and the fatty and fibrous tissues.
There are about 100 different types of sarcoma that fall into three main types:
They can affect almost any part of the body, on the inside or the outside. Sarcomas commonly affect the arms, legs and trunk.
They also appear in the stomach and intestines as well as behind the abdomen and in the female reproductive system.
Sarcoma.uk is the only cancer charity in the UK focusing on all types of sarcoma.
3800 new cases of sarcoma are diagnosed every year in the UK.
10 people are diagnosed everyday with a sarcoma.
There is a 55% chance a patient with a sarcoma will live for 5 years.
As you can see it is really hard-hitting but what I want you to know is Dad is staying positive and we are so so so close and since he has had to leave work because of the cancer, I get to spend much more time with him which is great. So there are pros and cons to all situations and you have to try and look at the pros a little bit more then the cons. Dad is still fighting :) :)
dolphinlover xx
Tuesday, 5 May 2015
Paris- the city of love
Went to Paris for a netball tournament and we came 2nd out of hundreds of teams WOOOO!
However, the night before the final day, beef went downnnn. For everyone who doesn't know what 'beef' is it's another word for gossip.
So, there is a group who usually stick together. However, some people in the group wanted to exclude it more from everyone else in the club and others wanted to stay friends with everyone. My friend Katrina and I were neutral in it - didn't have a side and to be honest really didn't mind about what was happening. But somehow we got in the middle of it because when we spent time with one half of the group the other half got angry at us and then when we spent time with the other group the others would get angry. So really we couldn't please anyone! And then it started getting worse when people were telling me what other people in the netball team were saying about me and my voice (because it's quite high) and they said it in quite hurtful ways. So I got a bit tearful and left the cabin they were telling me and Katrina this in, and then Katrina was left in there by herself (which I now feel really bad about) and then apparently they started shouted at her and accusing her of being a snake between the two groups and telling both groups what the others were saying (which she wasn't) and then Katrina started crying and by this time I had stopped and we went for a walk outside and I have never seen her cry so much. They must've been really mean. But now it's all sorted (I THINK :)) so yeah! If you've kept up with that then you're pretty good! Sorry about the ranting just needed to get it off my chest.
Much loooove <3
dolphinlover xx
However, the night before the final day, beef went downnnn. For everyone who doesn't know what 'beef' is it's another word for gossip.
So, there is a group who usually stick together. However, some people in the group wanted to exclude it more from everyone else in the club and others wanted to stay friends with everyone. My friend Katrina and I were neutral in it - didn't have a side and to be honest really didn't mind about what was happening. But somehow we got in the middle of it because when we spent time with one half of the group the other half got angry at us and then when we spent time with the other group the others would get angry. So really we couldn't please anyone! And then it started getting worse when people were telling me what other people in the netball team were saying about me and my voice (because it's quite high) and they said it in quite hurtful ways. So I got a bit tearful and left the cabin they were telling me and Katrina this in, and then Katrina was left in there by herself (which I now feel really bad about) and then apparently they started shouted at her and accusing her of being a snake between the two groups and telling both groups what the others were saying (which she wasn't) and then Katrina started crying and by this time I had stopped and we went for a walk outside and I have never seen her cry so much. They must've been really mean. But now it's all sorted (I THINK :)) so yeah! If you've kept up with that then you're pretty good! Sorry about the ranting just needed to get it off my chest.
Much loooove <3
dolphinlover xx
Lyf
What I was thinking about when stressing was: what is life? How do we know we're not just living in a game? How do we know we're not in a dolls house and some giants are controlling us? How do we know that we are Sims also playing Sims? The truth is we don't. However, these questions still fascinate me. I find the endless answers enticing and cherish the time I can spend just thinking about them.
When in Year 7, we took a compulsory class in Philosophy and I remember dreading it because I hated not knowing answers to questions. but as I've grown up I think I've become more mature in thinking and am able to think more deeply into subjects. I think this is a great example of how people's minds develop and change when growing up.
As I've grown older, I love to have time to think to myself. Just that quiet time. And no it's not because I'm a loner because I also love hanging with friends, but sometimes it's nice just to get away from the chaos and pressure and just chill and think. Try it!
I know some people will read this and think 'What was that girl on!' but once you try it, even just for 5 minutes before you go to bed on a night, you will feel refreshed and will have a deeper sleep because of it!
Much love
dolphinlover xx
When in Year 7, we took a compulsory class in Philosophy and I remember dreading it because I hated not knowing answers to questions. but as I've grown up I think I've become more mature in thinking and am able to think more deeply into subjects. I think this is a great example of how people's minds develop and change when growing up.
As I've grown older, I love to have time to think to myself. Just that quiet time. And no it's not because I'm a loner because I also love hanging with friends, but sometimes it's nice just to get away from the chaos and pressure and just chill and think. Try it!
I know some people will read this and think 'What was that girl on!' but once you try it, even just for 5 minutes before you go to bed on a night, you will feel refreshed and will have a deeper sleep because of it!
Much love
dolphinlover xx
Thursday, 15 January 2015
XOXO Gossip Girl.. oh and DOE
Just FINISHED final season of a series called Gossip Girl. It's about a secret blogger who blogs about all of the gossip in the Upper East Side in New York America. I think it's a relatively popular show around the world but I was definitely hooked! I watched 3 seasons in 2 weeks! Yep... I admit I was obsessed. But it was so good and I always ended up clicking on the next episode and it just carried on and on and on!
I'm doing my Silver DoE soon. For those who don't know, Doe stands for duke of Edinburgh. It's a walk, swim, bike ride... there are many different things you can do. My school chose for us to do the walk as it is the most open to everyone (least sporty...) There are 3 levels that you can do, Bronze, Silver and Gold. I did Bronze in Year 9 and am now doing Silver. So you walk/hike for 3 days on a route that you plan together in your groups (that you chose thank goodness!) and you camp for 2 nights and have to carry all of your own food and cooking equipment. EVERYTHING!!! There are always problems with groups though. I thought I had the perfect group, there were 5 of us, but then this one girl (I'll call her Maria) assumed she was in our group because she just tagged along with me. But we have one of those weird relationships where you're not best friends but sometimes you are and sometimes you just annoy each other so much you don't talk. It's complicated (a bit cheesy!) She can be quite bossy and dominating and so I am slightly worried about how that will turn out, but we'll just have to wait and see! The Practice expedition (not assessed one!) is in April ON MY BIRTHDAY which could be a bonus because I'm with all my friends without having to organise a party but then also I'll be rationed on food and I won't get to see my family! So pros and cons but I'll just have to get on with it. There was other dramas but I think that is for another post. Anyway, school tomorrow and don't want any drama so best get a good sleep so I wake up happy!
Night Night!
Dolphinlover xx
I'm doing my Silver DoE soon. For those who don't know, Doe stands for duke of Edinburgh. It's a walk, swim, bike ride... there are many different things you can do. My school chose for us to do the walk as it is the most open to everyone (least sporty...) There are 3 levels that you can do, Bronze, Silver and Gold. I did Bronze in Year 9 and am now doing Silver. So you walk/hike for 3 days on a route that you plan together in your groups (that you chose thank goodness!) and you camp for 2 nights and have to carry all of your own food and cooking equipment. EVERYTHING!!! There are always problems with groups though. I thought I had the perfect group, there were 5 of us, but then this one girl (I'll call her Maria) assumed she was in our group because she just tagged along with me. But we have one of those weird relationships where you're not best friends but sometimes you are and sometimes you just annoy each other so much you don't talk. It's complicated (a bit cheesy!) She can be quite bossy and dominating and so I am slightly worried about how that will turn out, but we'll just have to wait and see! The Practice expedition (not assessed one!) is in April ON MY BIRTHDAY which could be a bonus because I'm with all my friends without having to organise a party but then also I'll be rationed on food and I won't get to see my family! So pros and cons but I'll just have to get on with it. There was other dramas but I think that is for another post. Anyway, school tomorrow and don't want any drama so best get a good sleep so I wake up happy!
Night Night!
Dolphinlover xx
Better!
Feeling better today - not A LOT - but better. The last time I wrote I just felt really down and upset and it was a really good way to get all of my thoughts out. I have so many but now it's just finding the time to sit down and write them all! It's weird to think that I can write whatever I want and no one can see it that I know. Unless they suddenly stumble upon it but then they wouldn't know it's me. It's quite reassuring that my thoughts can be written down (actually typed) and they can stay private - no one needs to know. That also makes me feel better. How you feeling???
dolphin lover xx
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
mehh...
Anyone had their life seem like it's slowly and painfully fading. I have a little tickle that I'm slightly over-reacting but that's what it feels like at the moment. It seems like Dad is the strong one now, holding everyone, sometimes it's mum but if something upsets her or she's angry then it's Dad.
I think since Nani (Granny in Hindi) died, Mum has had a chunk taken out of her. No wonder, it was her mum, but I feel like it's something else... like she is slowly losing her fire on somedays and just throwing in the towel, saying she doesn't want to do it anymore, giving up.
Everyone has off days - I know that I definitely do, but I don't know, it's something different, like over a long time. I think all of the fighting is wearing her down. Because Jaz (sister) is being (excuse my language) a bitch and I admit it, I hold my hand up high, I can be a bitch sometimes too, but I guess it't just the teenager stage. Everyone goes through it, good days and bad. But you only ever hear about your friends good days. Does it ever feel like you wish your life was more like there's? Sometimes I think a little bit like that... But then I remember how lucky I am and that everyone goes through good times and bad times and it's just natural. I would never change my family for anything.
I guess mum has just been agitating me recently because even though my GCSE's (important exams) are in 1 year, I get stressed quite easily and so obviously, can feel the pressure and stress inside me building up bit by bit and I feel like it's just going to get too much. And then mum keeps on going on about how I shouldn't be watching telly and should be working and asking if all of my notes are up to date and how I need to do more work... etc I think you get the point. I know she just wants to help but I keep on telling her that I know what I need to do and I will do it. But I guess that loads of kids my age think they know what they are doing and so they don't need their parents help. But I do do the work and I do get it done. I just need to show her that. I think she wants to help me but she needs to know that when I need help I will ask. And I keep on telling her that it just stresses me out even more when she goes on at me about my work and my notes, because I know I need to do notes and I will and am doing them.
Anyway- enough already!!! That's what you're probably thinking! This has surprisingly helped! Weird! You guys should try it... I thought it might but I feel much more relived. Thanks everyone!! I feel like you all anonymously understand me! haha!
Love dolphinlover xx
I think since Nani (Granny in Hindi) died, Mum has had a chunk taken out of her. No wonder, it was her mum, but I feel like it's something else... like she is slowly losing her fire on somedays and just throwing in the towel, saying she doesn't want to do it anymore, giving up.
Everyone has off days - I know that I definitely do, but I don't know, it's something different, like over a long time. I think all of the fighting is wearing her down. Because Jaz (sister) is being (excuse my language) a bitch and I admit it, I hold my hand up high, I can be a bitch sometimes too, but I guess it't just the teenager stage. Everyone goes through it, good days and bad. But you only ever hear about your friends good days. Does it ever feel like you wish your life was more like there's? Sometimes I think a little bit like that... But then I remember how lucky I am and that everyone goes through good times and bad times and it's just natural. I would never change my family for anything.
I guess mum has just been agitating me recently because even though my GCSE's (important exams) are in 1 year, I get stressed quite easily and so obviously, can feel the pressure and stress inside me building up bit by bit and I feel like it's just going to get too much. And then mum keeps on going on about how I shouldn't be watching telly and should be working and asking if all of my notes are up to date and how I need to do more work... etc I think you get the point. I know she just wants to help but I keep on telling her that I know what I need to do and I will do it. But I guess that loads of kids my age think they know what they are doing and so they don't need their parents help. But I do do the work and I do get it done. I just need to show her that. I think she wants to help me but she needs to know that when I need help I will ask. And I keep on telling her that it just stresses me out even more when she goes on at me about my work and my notes, because I know I need to do notes and I will and am doing them.
Anyway- enough already!!! That's what you're probably thinking! This has surprisingly helped! Weird! You guys should try it... I thought it might but I feel much more relived. Thanks everyone!! I feel like you all anonymously understand me! haha!
Love dolphinlover xx
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